Sparkly Vampires
I may have stumbled (and by stumbled I mean browsed purposely) upon a site today and watched a pirated version of New Moon. My potential posterity needs to stop reading here. Mama’s not a good example today, little chiggins. I plan on making up for it by watching it in the theater and (insert gasp here) purchasing the movie when it comes out.
And here are my thoughts in no particular order:
Bella - good job on not being such a stuttering Stanley in this film. Not an Academy Award Winning performance, but bearable to watch. Yay!
Edward, ugh – we’ll get back to this later
Bella’s Dad – I don’t even know your name because I didn’t get past the first book. But you my friend were the most convincing character in the whole story. Good job with the snarky sarcasm and believable semi-present dad gig.
Jacob – for fear of making my handsome husband jealous with my comments on your physique, I will deflect my thoughts from you.
Edward – I don’t mean to be such a bully, but seriously you are the worst. Can we vote you out of Twilight? We may be able to come to a treaty under the following conditions:
Bathe
Go over to Jacob’s house and have him cut off your nappy hair boof.
Throw all Revlon lipstick products in the garbage
Next throw all creepy white powder in the garbage
Practice ten times daily in front of the mirror facial expressions other than the infamous “I’m smelling something stinky and I might hurl all over you” face.
Next time you’re going to do a sparkly shirtless appearance in Rome, head on over to Jacob’s house first to do some crunches and shave
Try to act happy around the love of your life instead of constantly looking at her like you’re going to barf
Find some way to make my mother fall out of love with you. This is really the most important part of our treaty. You might need to be creative here.
And that’s it folks.
I give New Moon….6 out of 10 sparkly vampires. That’s a huge improvement over Twilight’s 3 out of 10.
Well done.
Comments
Jacob, this is wrong, so very wrong, but I think bad thoughts about you. YOU'RE 17? don't lie.
It is I, your, as yet, undead lawyer. While we are often confused with vampires, and some might therefore think us kin of same, I must agree, yet disagree with your comments. When in the course of human events, and in an effort to form a more perfect union with my equally undead wife (aka naughty ballerina hereafter "NB"), I too found myself watching, nay enduring, this lunar cinema to which you make reference. Let me preface the following by saying that I have been banned from future movie nights with NB involving the Twilight series. Gladly accepting the penalty, I make the following observations and comments: while it is true that vampire movies for years have skirted (pun intentional) and at times perpetuated homo-erotic themes, must it be so in this teen-appealing movie; similarly, do all male vampires need to be so effeminate to the point of being considered for the next Revlon campaign; must vampires all be so whiny and brooding; why couldn't the werewolves just eat Edward and be done with his sorry carcass? Well, that is enough to get me in trouble with NB for now, but I have more to give if you need it.
I vote yes. Please dispose of him.
Lol!!
Tell the NB (which nickname is totally disgusting by the way) she needs to stop drinking the Twilight Koolaid.
I do have to say, I look forward to reading these comments. It's funny how hilarious all of you are. I wish I could only be as whitty.