Swimming Tips: A Series of Embarrassing Stories To Cheer Your Day
Yesterday I finally received my package of swimsuits that I ordered online that my marmie so graciously mailed to me. These little pieces of Lycra and spandex were a delightful sight since I had been wearing the same swimsuit for the past two months ( I don't know why on earth I opted to bring enough drugs to put the local pharmacy out of business rather than packing more swimsuits). At any rate, I'm tickled pink about my new suits.
In celebration of my early Christmas present to myself (I tend to abuse this privilege by the way), I'm going to benevolently share with you a few nuggets of wisdom about swimsuit wearing. Sit back and feel free to take notes for yourself and future posterity.
Nugget 1 - Say nothing before trying it on
I'm not kidding. You'll feel much better about yourself if you just keep your trap shut until the spandex has wrapped itself around your body. Case in point: Yesterday when I opened up my much anticipated box of swimsuits, Blair and I both started laughing at the size of the bottoms. The following words spilled out of our lips:
"Those are HUGE!"
"What size are they?!!"
"What is that an XXXXXL?!!!"
"Those are never going to fit you!"
Then I decided to just slip the bottoms on for comical relief. Much to my dismay, they fit perfectly. As I walked out of the bathroom with the "XXXXXL" bottoms snug as a bug in a rug on my bottom, Blair remained silent. I tried on the other two bottoms and what do you know, they too looked like I'd painted them on. Blair said, "Those blue ones actually look a little tight." That's when I punched his lights out.
Nugget 2 - Water does not stop your period
I don't know what prankster spread this rumor when I was a teenager, but I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. One day during the summery months in high school, I went out wave-running with Blair and some friends. As Blair and I skipped across the waves on our wave-runner, I looked down and realized that I was making a not so friendly crimson mark on the white seat. I tried to stand up a little as I clung to Blair's back, hoping the waves would clean off my biological color pallet. But the waves weren't cooperating with my attempt to save myself from mortal embarrassment and the marks were clinging to the seat untouched by the water. We were headed to the eastern dock to pick up some other friends, so I knew I had to do something fast before everyone saw what had happened. In a brief act of providence, Blair slowed down to adjust the key strap around his wrist. At that moment I tackled him into the water and pretended to throw myself into a splashing frenzy of flirtation, strategically splashing water on the soiled wave-runner in the process. Worked like a charm. Cute boy thought I was innocently flirting and the embarrassment of a lifetime was curtailed.
Please tell your teenagers, folks, that this menstrual swimming myth is rubbish.
Nugget 3 - Absolutely no chicken wars and no floppy padding
Lindsay and I went on a blind date with two guys from a neighboring high school one summer. As we were swimming in a nice little pool in Park City, someone had the stupid idea to play a chicken war. This is never a good idea, children. Never. Wearing a swimsuit is embarrassing enough - there's no need to compound the problem by awkwardly sitting on someones shoulders in the process.
It's no secret that I'm not exactly the next candidate for a busty swimsuit contest and I'm okay with that. But as a teenager, I did everything I could to find swimsuits with lining, padding, and anything short of rolled up soccer socks to disguise my belated onset of puberty. The swimsuit I was wearing this particular day had a chest lining and subtle cups to help puny teenagers like myself cope with life. There was only one problem with the design of this swimsuit....the lining was only fastened to the swimsuit at the top. The bottom of the lining was completely detached.
Well, as I'm sure you've guessed, things got a little crazy during our water flight. As we pushed and thrashed atop our stranger date's shoulders, the old trusty fake boob lining decided to flip out and present itself, cups inverted, on the outside of my swimming suit. I still don't know how the next 60 seconds were humanly possible, but Lindsay miraculously dove on top of me, shoved me underwater, and fixed my swimsuit. May the heavens bless her soul.
Needless to say, we never saw either of those two guys again.
In celebration of my early Christmas present to myself (I tend to abuse this privilege by the way), I'm going to benevolently share with you a few nuggets of wisdom about swimsuit wearing. Sit back and feel free to take notes for yourself and future posterity.
Nugget 1 - Say nothing before trying it on
I'm not kidding. You'll feel much better about yourself if you just keep your trap shut until the spandex has wrapped itself around your body. Case in point: Yesterday when I opened up my much anticipated box of swimsuits, Blair and I both started laughing at the size of the bottoms. The following words spilled out of our lips:
"Those are HUGE!"
"What size are they?!!"
"What is that an XXXXXL?!!!"
"Those are never going to fit you!"
Then I decided to just slip the bottoms on for comical relief. Much to my dismay, they fit perfectly. As I walked out of the bathroom with the "XXXXXL" bottoms snug as a bug in a rug on my bottom, Blair remained silent. I tried on the other two bottoms and what do you know, they too looked like I'd painted them on. Blair said, "Those blue ones actually look a little tight." That's when I punched his lights out.
Nugget 2 - Water does not stop your period
I don't know what prankster spread this rumor when I was a teenager, but I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. One day during the summery months in high school, I went out wave-running with Blair and some friends. As Blair and I skipped across the waves on our wave-runner, I looked down and realized that I was making a not so friendly crimson mark on the white seat. I tried to stand up a little as I clung to Blair's back, hoping the waves would clean off my biological color pallet. But the waves weren't cooperating with my attempt to save myself from mortal embarrassment and the marks were clinging to the seat untouched by the water. We were headed to the eastern dock to pick up some other friends, so I knew I had to do something fast before everyone saw what had happened. In a brief act of providence, Blair slowed down to adjust the key strap around his wrist. At that moment I tackled him into the water and pretended to throw myself into a splashing frenzy of flirtation, strategically splashing water on the soiled wave-runner in the process. Worked like a charm. Cute boy thought I was innocently flirting and the embarrassment of a lifetime was curtailed.
Please tell your teenagers, folks, that this menstrual swimming myth is rubbish.
Nugget 3 - Absolutely no chicken wars and no floppy padding
Lindsay and I went on a blind date with two guys from a neighboring high school one summer. As we were swimming in a nice little pool in Park City, someone had the stupid idea to play a chicken war. This is never a good idea, children. Never. Wearing a swimsuit is embarrassing enough - there's no need to compound the problem by awkwardly sitting on someones shoulders in the process.
It's no secret that I'm not exactly the next candidate for a busty swimsuit contest and I'm okay with that. But as a teenager, I did everything I could to find swimsuits with lining, padding, and anything short of rolled up soccer socks to disguise my belated onset of puberty. The swimsuit I was wearing this particular day had a chest lining and subtle cups to help puny teenagers like myself cope with life. There was only one problem with the design of this swimsuit....the lining was only fastened to the swimsuit at the top. The bottom of the lining was completely detached.
Well, as I'm sure you've guessed, things got a little crazy during our water flight. As we pushed and thrashed atop our stranger date's shoulders, the old trusty fake boob lining decided to flip out and present itself, cups inverted, on the outside of my swimming suit. I still don't know how the next 60 seconds were humanly possible, but Lindsay miraculously dove on top of me, shoved me underwater, and fixed my swimsuit. May the heavens bless her soul.
Needless to say, we never saw either of those two guys again.
Comments
remember when we were at a morningside and at the end, you had me look to see if you had leaked? when you stood up, there was a HUGE mark and when i told you that, you thought i was joking! i had to walk really close behind you until we rushed to the car. hilarious.
why did you always forget to wear a tampon? i am laughing so hard right now.
You share the best stories...everyone relates!!!
PS: I was on a water skiing date one time, wearing one of those "padded" swim suits, and my date said, "why is you swim suit all bunchy up top?"
Gotta love those teenage self esteem boosters! (no pun intented:-)
I too have been fooled by "too big" swimsuit bottoms only to find out that they do in fact fit.
Try squeezing into a Speedo LZR racer that looks like it's supposed to fit an 8 year old, when in reality that's how tight it's supposed to be. However, I'm not sure even the $300 elite suits can stop your cyclical shark bate. :)