A Cockroach Roast
I have an abnormal fear of cockroaches.
Clinically psychotic, unbridled, scream your guts out fear.
I dream about cockroaches probably every other night. No joke. I need medication for this.
I can barely type the word without feeling the shivers grapevine down my spine. I've only seen three of these heirs of Satan in our apartment since we moved here. Unfortunately all three of those blessed events have been nearly enough to throw me into cardiac arrest.
Cardiac arrest...or a full blown emotional breakdown.
Last night we shut off the lights, flipped on the fan switches, and snuggled into our line-dried sheets. I usually can't fall asleep until I rest my head on Blair's chest and let the sound of his heartbeat lullaby me to bed. So we assumed the head on chest position and started to doze to sleep...
And that's when I started to think about my roachy nemesis.
The bottom of my feet felt like little insect feet were pitter pattering all over my skin.
Every shadow on the wall looked like it had antlers and a hump-shaped back. I whispered to my sleepy husband in my pouting voice "Huuunnnneeeey? I think there's a cockroach...". He seemed to doze off to sleep as I continued thrashing in the sheets and itching all over.
This next part is when I almost divorced my husband. Stop reading here, children.
Blair quietly grabbed a bulky balled-up hair band that was lying on the bed and softly dropped it down the back of my shirt. With the sudden sensation of the disguised cockroach touching my back, I went spastic. My natural insect defense mechanism is apparently screaming and making myself have a seizure. I don't know what I was thinking. If that hairband really would have been a cockroach, my frantic jumping on the bed and landing on my back would have turned him into creamy soup.
After Blair got me to stop screaming and flailing my arms, he told me it wasn't really a cockroach. Just a hairband, he chuckled. I beat him up and then I started crying. Uncontrollably, cry yourself to sleep sobbing.
Over a hairband disguised as a cockroach. I need therapy.
Anyone want to share any abnormal fears?
Please tell me someone else has cried over an insect.
Comments
This also includes any crustacean parasite, or parasite in general.
But then he did. And he has teased me about it ever since.
I have to tell you that I always looked to you as being perfect... I always admired you through High School and wished I was cool enough to be a good friend of yours! Haha! Hearing about booger balls, pee sticks, spaghettio's, and your spastic siezures makes me just love you even more. Thank you for making me feel more normal!
I was dying laughing thinking about your skinny little body flipping out over a cockroach...I am surprised that Blair didn't accidentally get a fist in the face or something! When I wig out like that, someone always gets hurt!
I am certain that if I had lived Brazil, I'd be afraid of a few insects too. My man went there on his mission and tells me stories about the spiders and everything. Gross.
Laurie - You're way nicer than I am. I would've had my own little spider genocide ceremony right there in the living room!! I'm telling you these creatures were Adam & Eve's punishment for partaking of the fruit ;) lol.
There was one chirping away in my classroom this week, and I stopped a male student in 5th grade and begged him to find it and take it outside. He moved the box that we found it on toward the door, opened it, and in hopped 3 other grody, beastly crickets. I screamed and ran back towards my classroom as fast as my midget legs would carry me. Thankfully that brave student saved the day by getting all of the crickets back out into the grassy habit where they belong.
PS: I gagged about 5 times writing this.