Suzy Homemaker's Gangster Paradise

For the record, I want it to be written that I want world peace as much as the next beauty queen. I mean I'm not a tree-hugging, hippie-haired gal but I'm generally a pretty nice person. Despite my peace-loving inklings, however, I'm discovering that I may have a little bit of a temper. The sneaky part about my temper is that it's largely internal. And we all know that 'those types' of temperaments are the scary ones. These masquerading tempers are bottled up and packaged in nicely ironed Capri shorts and a pink embroidered shirt. They walk around in the supermarket with neatly organized shopping lists which include brownie packages for the neighbors and crayons for the primary children. Nobody can see inside these sweetly packaged tempers and they usually stay concealed in their Suzy Homemaker facades. That is until they go to the movie theater in Grenada...

Let me explain.

The movie theater here on the island is quaint and charming. It seats about fifty people in hard, non-reclining seats all tucked in nice and snug into a small room. The screen is the size of a typical home theater in the states and the popcorn comes in ant appetite bags. I actually usually like going to the movies here - you almost feel like you're at home watching a movie with a few friends. Friends...friends that need some training on theater attendance etiquette.

You see, although Grenadians seem to have absolutely no concept of what not to do during a movie, they seem to have all passed with flying colors the class on 'How To Unleash Suzy Homemaker's Inner Raging Gangster Temper'. The movie started with a slight and consistent floor tapping by the person's shoes behind Suzy. Minutes later in symphonic succession, nearly five people's cell phones started ringing. At this point Suzy was quietly mentally coaching her inner demon, "It's okay, little one. Just a few distractions, but things will settle down soon. Just enjoy the movie."

A little further into the movie, the formerly mentioned tap dancer behind Miss Homemaker decided that he would rather practice his karate kicks against the back of her chair. Suzy's blood started boiling at this point and her shiny colored facade started peeling at the edges. Then at a pivotal and usually touching part of the movie, the five middle-aged women behind Suzy started gabbing about who knows what. This wasn't the hushed whispering you may typically hear in the movie theater about passing popcorn and soda. The decibel-level of their conversation was akin to something you would hear in a noisy bus station, where you feel you need to shout to be heard.

After several minutes of this loud conversation, Suzy's facade stripped off the layers, got naked and unleashed the temper within. She turned around and said... "Shhh!!...' with her slender finger pursed up to her lips. Suzy thought that the women behind her would certainly feel embarrassed and finally pipe down. But she was astounded when the group of gabbers burst into mocking laughter. They pointed at the white pipsqueak who had just ordered them to shut up and continued scoffing and giggling.

Suzy was embarrassed and furious. She spent the rest of the movie cooking up her next move. Her temper's plan of attack was to first give those dimwits a lecture about how if they wanted to pay for her ticket then by all means keep talking - otherwise they better shut their mouths. In her mind's eye, she executed her threat with all sorts of curse words and left the whole row behind her trembling with fear and intimidation.

If the speech didn't work, plan B was full on physical combat. Although Suzy's a little bit of a gangly creature, her inner temper tends to suddenly place her on an inner-city backdrop with Gangster's Paradise playing in the background. This makes Miss Homemaker think that she's pretty tough stuff. Plan B was to 'bust a Grenadian cap' even though Suzy didn't really know what that meant.

In the end, Suzy chickened out on both the lecture and the cat fight. She gritted her teeth through the rest of the movie and rehearsed her planned lecture to her husband on the way home. Not surprisingly, he didn't think it sounded very tough (although she didn't include the curse words in this version). He just laughed at her and reminded her to control her temper.

It's late and Suzy Homemaker is about to go to bed now. She's searching for that gangster music soundtrack so that she can redeem herself in her dreams. Just another day in Suzy's Gangster Paradise.